


To Build A Home

by BlueberriesAndBubbles



Series: Clouds Turn Pink [2]
Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Boys In Love, Cuddling & Snuggling, Falling In Love, Fluff, Hurt Spencer Reid, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Past Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Relationship(s), Rape Recovery
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-04
Updated: 2020-09-10
Packaged: 2021-03-04 21:14:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 6
Words: 17,135
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25072936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlueberriesAndBubbles/pseuds/BlueberriesAndBubbles
Summary: Now that Spencer is free from his past abusive relationship, how does he move forward with his life- with Derek?
Relationships: Derek Morgan/Spencer Reid, Past Spencer Reid/Original Male Character
Series: Clouds Turn Pink [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1793584
Comments: 50
Kudos: 167





	1. There is a house built out of stone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Takes place about a month after where "Who Spencer Reid Loves" left off! If you haven't read that work yet, it's part 1 of this series and I recommend you read it to fully understand this part of the series!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh did you think that "Who Spencer Reid Loves" was really over? naahhhhhhh that work was just the beginning of this story :)

Derek leaned against the wall in Garcias 'lair' with a grim look on his face. "I know, baby girl, but I can't do much about it, he passed all his psych evals and he insisted he was ready to go back to work, I can't stop him." He said, shrugging helplessly. Garcia spun around and looked at him frowning, "Of course he passed those evals, he could talk circles around whoever invented the study of psychology.. Who did anyway?" Garcia asked, now looking curious.

Derek chuckled, "I'm sure Reid would have already interjected with an answer, following it with a _very_ long rant." Garcia laughed, though it wasn't as lively as hers used to be. She spun back around to face her screens so Derek wouldn't see her frown reappear. "I know you're worried about him, I am too." Derek said softly. "At least you get to see him, he lives with you!" Garcia cried.

Derek took a step forward, putting his hand on her shoulder, smiling when she laid her face on it. "He doesn't talk to me much at home, he reads a lot, I have to push him to eat." Derek said, his voice sounding sad. "And you guys are just friends?" Garcia asked quietly.

Derek retracted his hand from her slowly, putting it in his pocket as he sighed out. "Yeah, I think. I love him, he knows that, he told me the same, but he started pulling away from me a week after staying with me. He hasn't talked about moving out, so I have hope."

"You know, he probably needs time outside of a relationship, after everything Kristopher put him through." Garcia spat the deceased mans name with hatred. "I know." Derek said with a nod. It was a gentle knock on the closed door that got their attention. "You may enter thy lair!" Garcia called.

In walked Spencer Reid, dressed just as he always would, slacks with a button up shirt, the sleeves rolled up and a blue sweater-vest, a nice tie, crooked around his collar. He flashed a smile at them both, but it didn't quite reach his eyes, they couldn't remember the last time he'd given an honest smile, a truly happy smile. His eyes hard dark circles underneath, having gotten worse thanks to his nightmares. His hair was a mess, though that was typical. Except, it was less because he was always focused on something important so he never had time for appearance, it was now that he simply didn't have the energy to deal with it. The worst part was that this was him being more himself since Kristopher died, like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders, like he was no longer holding his breath. He just wasn't the same person, he was so close to the Spencer Reid they all fell in love with, yet just off by a smidgen.

"We have a case, I've been sent to retrieve you love birds." Spencer joked, his eyes flashing to Morgan for only a moment. "I didn't get anything." Garcia said.

Spencer shrugged, "This one went directly to Hotch."

Derek groaned before he followed Reid to the briefing room, Garcia on his heels. 

"Everyone take a seat, we have a case in Texas, 3 men dead, each strangled to death these past 3 Saturday nights, being found Sunday morning." Hotch began. They spent the normal amount of time being briefed on the case, reviewing the details and discussing a possible profile based off what they had in their files. "Wheels up in 20. Reid, my office please." Hotch said, heading to his office without another word.

"What do you think that's about?" Reid asked, turning to Morgan with confused eyes. "It's your first case back, he probably just wants to check in." Derek assured, flashing a smile at the boy who only nodded before heading after Hotch.

"Hotch, is everything okay?" Reid asked, closing the office door behind himself. "I want you to stay here and work the case from Virginia with Garcia." Hotch answered. Spencer looked at him shocked. "I've been cleared to work in the field." Spencer said simply, his eyes flashing with defiance. "It's your first case back, you will stay here." Hotch said firmly.

"You can't do this! I've been cleared to return back to full duty, that includes leaving on cases, Hotch! You can't baby me, I'm a grown man." Spencer hissed out, anger dangerously leaking out of his voice. Hotch seemed unaffected by the outburst. "I do not believe you are ready to leave on a case."

"That's bullshit, you've kept me out of the field for a month, I'm done being benched, let me work this case or I'm leaving." Reid snapped out. "What?" Hotch asked, standing from his seat. "I have no reason to stay on a team that has no faith in my ability to be an efficient agent, if you keep me from coming along on this case, I'll accept one of the hundreds of offers I've gotten! I could be working for the CIA or NASA by next week!" Reid yelled, drawing everyone's eyes to Hotch's office.

Emily winced at the way she could see Reid gesturing angrily through the window, his voice raised and just audible to the team, though they couldn't make out his words. Derek was staring worriedly, he wasn't sure what to do or how to help. "Hotch must have really just pissed him off, I don't think I've ever seen Reid yell." Emily said.

"He almost never does." Derek replied quietly.

They all flinched when Hotch's door flung open and Reid stormed down the stairs, grabbing his go bag and heading for the elevators. "We will discuss this when we land in Texas, Reid!" Hotch called out, getting no response from the genius. "You mind sharing what the hell just happened?" Derek asked, his eyebrows raised in confusion and worry. Hotch looked utterly defeated.

"I tried to get Reid to stay here for his first case back." Hotch said. "Tried?" Emily asked from behind Derek. Hotch sighed and rubbed his face, "He threatened to leave the team if I keep him out of the field, he wasn't bluffing. We need to go." Hotch said sternly. Derek and Emily shared shocked glances.

When the team made it to the Jet, Reid was already on the couch in the corner, his face buried in the case file. Derek sat across from him. "You okay?" Derek whispered, placing his hand on Reid's knee. Spencer looked at him and gave an empty smile. "I'm okay." He said, but they both knew he was lying. He wasn't okay, He hadn't been in a long time, he was better, but not okay. "I'm here for you." Derek said with a smile, his a lot less empty than Reid's had been. "I know."

The flight was less than 3 hours, so the team tried to bounce ideas off each other as they reviewed the details, discussing theories and going over victimology. 

"All of the victims were white males with dark brown hair, all of them had wives and children, low risk lifestyles." Rossi said. "Our Unsub is controlled, calm, he knows what he is doing, we aren't looking at someone having any sort of break with reality." Morgan interjected. 

They continued on until they arrived in Austin, Texas. Hotch told Reid to join him at the station to start a geographical profile while Morgan and Rossi take a look at the crime scene. Emily went to see the M.E and JJ joined Hotch and Reid at the station.

"Ah, you must be Agent Hotchner! I'm Chief McCall, thanks for coming." The chief said, holding out his hand which Hotch politely took. "Hello, this is SSA Dr. Spencer Reid," Spencer gave a shy wave, keeping his distance to prevent contact. "and this is SSA Jennifer Jereau." Hotch finished, JJ shook hands with the chief before leading Spencer to find somewhere he could setup a geographical profile.

Once settled, Reid began sticking pins in the map and writing and drawing, it looked like a mess to anyone else, but for him, it matched perfectly with how his mind was processing everything. He was working on the comfort zone when he heard someone grunt from behind him, clearly an attempt to get his attention. He turned around to be greeted by two officers, both looked like men in their mid thirties, they did not seemed pleased. "Can I help you?" Reid asked. "I doubt it, where are the FBI agents?" The slighter taller man asked.

Reid looked between the two men and took note of their posture, it was oddly aggressive for having just met him. "Half of the team is at the crime scene or with the M.E. Agents Hotchner and Jereau are in the station, I am right here." Spencer answered, still eyeing the two men. He received a disbelieving laugh from one and a snort from the other once he referenced himself as an agent. "You're an FBI agent?" The shorter one asked. Reid finally zeroed in on their name tags, the shorter one was labeled as Mosser and the taller one was labeled as Armstrong. 

"I am SSA Dr. Spencer Reid." Spencer answered with a smile and nod of his head. "Doctor?" Mosser laughed out. "Yes, I have three PhD's in Mathematics, chemistry, and engineering as well as three BA's." Reid rushed out, he really didn't have the time to be explaining himself to these officers.

"I don't believe it, you look 14." Armstrong said mockingly. Reid couldn't help but roll his eyes, they think he looks 14? They are acting like his peers from high school, insecure and intimidated by his intelligence. "I am 27, now if I can return to my geographical profile, that would be appreciated." Reid said, turning back to his map.

Mosser snorted once again, this time far more obnoxious, "Just looks like you're coloring to me, quit playing special agent and direct us to the real FBI guy." Mosser said, sounding angry.

Hotch cleared his throat from the doorway, making Spencer smirk from where he was looking at his map. The two officers turned around to see the Unit Chief staring at them, less than amused, pissed off even. "Dr. Reid has been an FBI agent since he was 21, his mind is the greatest asset our team has with an IQ of 187 and an eidetic memory, not to mention he can read 20,000 words per minute. Did you really need something or are you done joking around while we have a serial killer to catch?" Hotch gave them serious looks, causing the two men to suddenly feel small. They hurried out of the room looking like kicked puppies, Hotch released a sigh and approached the map Reid was working his magic on. 

"Are you alright?" 

"I'm fine, Hotch. I'm annoyed by their petulance while men are being murdered." Reid said, still staring at his marked up map.

"I am sorry I tried to keep you in Virginia,"

Spencer held up his hand and gave his unit chief a small smile, his sad eyes only looking to the man briefly. "Not now, Hotch, we need to be focused. Let me prove that you have nothing to worry about."

Hotch gave the boy a nod and a pat on the shoulder, "I know you will, Reid. You always do." 

* * *

For the first time in a long time, they caught the unsub the same day they arrived, it was Reids geographical profile that made the investigation move so quickly, it was late by the time they made it back to the hotel and they wouldn't be flying home till the morning. With limited rooms left, some of them would have to pair up, of course, Morgan and Reid comfortably volunteered to share a room. No one questioned or argued, they had all decided to remain quiet about the two agents relationship, after what Reid went through with Kristopher, they wouldn't dare risk messing anything up.

Spencer walked out of the bathroom in his usual plaid pajama pants and an old Caltech sweatshirt, his hair was wet and dripping over his face and shoulders. "Have a nice shower, pretty boy?" Derek asked with a smile, trying not to let his mind wander to the idea of Reids naked body, water cascading down that pale, smooth skin.

Spencer nodded his head and gave an affirmative hum. "I feel much better." Spencer said quietly. "Hotch told me about those officers from station, I thought they were brainless assholes anyway." Derek said softly, making the kid crack a grin. "They were quite brainless." Spencer replied.

"Hey, Reid?"

"Yes?"

"Are you happy being around me- staying with me, I mean?" Derek asked, his voice sounded nervous. Spencer looked into Dereks eyes and saw the vulnerability there, Derek was offering his heart up in the moment and Spencer would rather die than hurt it. He had pulled away from his best friend, the man he loved. He longed for the same type of relationship that Derek did, but he couldn't help the crippling fear inside himself telling him that he would just be hurt again.

Spencer crawled onto the bed Derek was sitting on with his back to the headboard, Spencer sat opposite him, one leg tucked under the other. He took one of Dereks hands in his own, simply staring at it, admiring it. He thought over the strength he knew that hand had, but he was more familiar with how tender it could be, how much softness was within the large agent before him despite his intimidating exterior.

Spencer looked into Dereks eyes, those pleading eyes, asking for so much, asking for everything Reid truly wanted to give. He'd been holding his breath, trying his best to be okay, waiting for something inside himself to magically fix so he could voice all the words he'd wanted to say to Derek. To the man who saved him from what he believed was his own hell, the man who held him while he broke down. He was looking at the man who confessed his love for him even after he'd seen him at his worst, the lowest of all his lows. In his mind, he was looking at an angel, his own angel.

"You're an angel." Spencer whispered.

Derek chuckled and looked at him confused and waited for more, but Spencer didn't continue, he looked content with what he had said, he seemed satisfied. "Okay." Derek finally said, deciding he would take what he could get. When Spencer didn't move, didn't let go of his hand, Derek found himself shifting anxiously. Spencer looked like he was going over every single memory he had, his eyes flashing with pain, sadness, grief, but eventually landing on hope. 

"Yes, I'm happy staying with you." Spencer murmured. Derek smiled. "I think," Spencer started, though found himself rethinking his next words, he already knew he would commit to what he was about to say, but he needed to give himself just one more second to think over everything that was about to change. 

"Yes?" Derek prompted. It was his voice that did it, that made Spencer stop caring about what would change. He stopped caring if he was scared, maybe this type of scared was a good thing, it meant he had something worth it on the line. Derek would always be worth it to him. "I'm ready to go home with you tomorrow, Derek." Spencer said softly.

Derek grinned, his charming white teeth on display, he intertwined his fingers with Reids. He felt like he was in a cheesy movie and wanted to laugh at them both for how they were acting, sitting together, holding hands, loving each other. "Are you going to kiss me or wait from some cheesy romance song to start playing from nowhere?" Spencer asked him, chuckling lightly. Derek couldn't help but bark out a laugh, great minds really do think alike.

Derek leaned forward till his lips were just brushing Spencers. "I'm going to kiss you." He answered, pressing his full lips against Reids. They moved their mouths together, conveying years of pent up emotions and feelings. Love, pain, loss, it was all present in the way their bodies communicated with each other. They broke away for breath. "I missed kissing you, pretty boy." Derek gasped out against Reids lips.

Spencer smiled a real smile. "I missed you kissing me." Spencer was the one to push their lips together this time, already missing the feeling he had when he was close with Derek in that way. Derek made him feel complete, safe, loved. He was ready to at least try and welcome all of that, this was Derek after all, he wouldn't ever hurt Spencer.

Spencer regrettably broke away from Dereks desperate mouth. "Can I sleep with you- in your bed tonight?" Spencer asked timidly. "I'll never say no to that, Spencer." Derek said with a smile, kissing the tip of Reids nose. Spencer got up only to turn off the light in the room, immediately walking back to the bed, sliding in next to Dereks warm body. Derek wrapped his arms around the boys waist and chest, pulling him so his back was against Derek's chest. Reid could feel Dereks strong heartbeat against his spine, but he wanted to be closer. He turned around in Dereks arms, burying his face into the mans warm and strong chest.

"Comfy?" Derek asked, kissing the top of Reids head. "Perfect." Reid murmured, placing a gentle kiss over Dereks heart, letting his eyes close to fall into his first peaceful sleep in months.

It was in that moment that Derek knew he could now build a home for the both of them, together. He would take all of the pieces Kristopher broke off of Reid and put them back together. He would spend everyday proving to the boy that he would never be hurt again. He was in a relationship where he could disagree with something and not be whipped with a belt. He would be in a relationship where if he wasn't in the mood, he wouldn't be forced into sex anyway. Derek still couldn't believe what Spencer had survived, he'd spent the last month blocking out the images and videos he'd seen on Kristopher's computer drive. Now, Derek knew he would have to acknowledge what he had seen so that the could help Spencer in this relationship.

He snuggled the genius closer, kissing the top of his chestnut brown curls once more before letting himself drift off to the scent of Reids vanilla shampoo. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yesss I am continuing this story, now it'll be more focused on Reids recovery and less on his torture. Hopefully all the moreid shippers read this with happy hearts lol
> 
> More chapters soon!
> 
> Peace and love,  
> Nei <3


	2. Wooden floors, walls and window sills

"Are you still pissed at Hotch?" Derek asked, pouring a cup of coffee for Spencer who was sitting at one of the stools by Dereks kitchen counter. Spencer shrugged "No, just frustrated." He smiled at Derek as he accepted the filled mug. "I get it, I would be too. I will say, he cares, that's what it was about." Derek assured, passing Spencer the sugar.

Spencer added a few heaping spoonfuls of sugar into his coffee, staring into the whirling coffee as he stirred. "How did you sleep last night?" Derek asked, earning a shy smile from the kid. "Fine." He mumbled, sipping his overly sweet coffee. "Nightmares?" Spencer looked up at him with his bottom lip caught between his teeth and nodded. "You could have come to me.." Derek said softly, pushing Spencers curls out of his face. "Didn't want to wake you." Spencer said, taking another sip of his coffee.

"Why don't you sleep in bed with me tonight..?" Derek asked carefully, watching Reid. Spencer stared at him wide eyed for a moment. "You don't have to! I just thought, after that night in Austin, you slept well in my arms." Derek said gently, a twinge of nerves in his voice. Spencer gave him a small smile, his eyes dazzling with something bright.

"I didn't want to rush things with us," Spencer released a sigh. "but I do feel better with you. I just.. I don't know what I'm ready for and I don't want to lead you on and-"

"Spencer, hey... I don't expect anything from you, we can take this as slow or as fast as you want. It is all on your terms." Derek assured, cupping Reids face in his hand. Spencer turned a beautiful delicate pink, making a grin break out on Dereks face. "I.. I like it when you kiss me." He whispered. Derek chuckled and tilted Spencers face towards him, leaning forward and placing a gentle kiss on the boys lips.

After breaking away, Spencers blush had changed into a brilliant red, standing out against his normally pale complexion. "Y-yeah, yup.. That.. I like that.." He stammered, looking at Derek with wide eyes. "That wake you up more than the coffee?" Derek said with a shit-eating grin. "Mmm no, but it is a close second." Spencer snickered as Derek faked offence.

"Go get ready, pretty boy, I have plans for us today." Derek said, ruffling Spencers hair, earning himself a playful scowl from the boy as he sipped more of his coffee. "Plans?" Spencer questioned with curious eyes. "Yeah, I was thinking we could swing by your old apartment, box up some of your stuff and move it here. I cleared a bunch of shelves in the study for some of your books, I'll build more shelves for you though, don't worry." Derek said excitedly.

Spencer sat still for a moment, frozen at the mention of returning to his apartment. "Spencer?" Derek questioned, putting a hand on the boys shoulder, trying not to feel a pang of hurt in his chest when the genius flinched at the contact. "Spencer, baby, look at me." Derek urged, rubbing his hand up and down the boys arm. Spencer blinked and looked at him mildly confused. "You with me?" Derek asked worried, trying to keep the panic out of his voice.

"Y-yeah, sorry. You want to.. go to my apartment?" Spencer asked with wide, scared eyes. "Just to get some of your stuff so you can officially move in here. The sooner we get your stuff, the sooner you'll never have to return to that place." Derek said softly. Spencer nodded. "You'll be with me?" He asked in a hopeful voice, dripping with vulnerability. "For every second of it." Derek assured. "Okay."

The car ride to Spencers apartment was spent in comfortable silence, though Derek couldn't help but glance at Reid worriedly every minute or so. Pulling up to the complex, Derek unbuckled his seat belt, but stopped when he noticed Spencer wasn't moving. "Spencer?" He asked, grasping Reids hand in his. "I'm with you, just.. preparing myself." Spencer sighed out. "Take your time, pretty boy. We wont be here long, we just have to get it over with." Derek promised, kissing the back of Spencers hand. Spencer released a heavy breath before nodding towards Derek and unbuckling his own seat belt.

They walked up to his apartment together, hand in hand. Once at the door, Reid took how his key with shaking hands and very carefully unlocked it as if a giant mouth would appear on the door and bite him at any moment. Derek could sense the fear dripping off of the man he loved, in that moment he wished he could bring Kristopher back to life only to beat him to death. Slowly following Reid into the apartment, he couldn't help but feel like even the air he was breathing was tainted by Spencers pain. He tried not to think about the times Reid had screamed here, cried here, _begged_ here.

"Okay, let's get some books and then how about lunch?" Derek recommended, wrapped his arms around Reids shoulders, a comforting weight for the boy. "Okay, start with the classics?" Spencer asked. "Sounds good."

And so they began piling books into boxes, starting with the classes and moving on to all of his first editions. Morgan underestimated all of the books Spencer had, but he already found himself mapping out the blueprints to turn his guest room into a library for Reid once the genius shares his bedroom with him. He couldn't wait for when it would become routine to wake with Spencer in his arms, brewing the genius coffee first thing every morning. He couldn't wait to construct many shelves for all of the books Reid owned, helping Spencer organize them all in the order he wants. He imagined a comfortable love seat in the center of the room with a lamp that wouldn't be too bright and hurt Reids eyes during a headache.

He imagined the green theme he would give the room, resembling this apartment, giving Spencer back a piece of what used to be his. This apartment had been a solace for the young man ever since he'd moved in and now it was haunted with the memories of his past horrors. Derek dreaded entering the bedroom, it was the main room featured in all of the videos and photos Kristopher had taken of Spencer. He'll never forget watching Spencer be forced to shoot up while on the bed. He would never forget the way Spencer cried out when the man he thought he loved hurt him. If he could spare his young love all of that pain, he would, he would do anything. Spencer noticed the way Derek looked at the apartment, like his mind was imagining the horrors that took place.

Spencer didn't have to use his imagination, he already knew, the scars on his body were a constant reminder without being back in this apartment. It had become so much more than an apartment, it had been his home, his solace for so long. Now, it was neither of those things, it was the most common scene of his nightmares, it was the place that he lost a piece of himself. He wondered if that piece of himself died inside of this apartment or if it died when Kris did. There had been months of happy memories with that man inside this apartment before things got worse. The first time Kris yelled at him was in the kitchen, the first shove was in the living room, the first time he forced him into sexual activity was in the hallway after meeting the team together. Spencer lost his virginity to Kristopher in his- their bedroom in this apartment. It had been gentle, Kris had been careful with him, made him feel loved. Spencer didn't know then that sex would become a trauma for him.

Spencer looked at the sofa, all the times Kristopher pampered him on that sofa while he was healing from injuries Kris caused. Spencer closed his eyes and released a heavy breath. "I think that's enough books for now." 

Derek sealed up the third box of books and raised his eyebrows, still glancing around at the copious amounts of books still around the apartment, "Are you sure?" He asked, looking at Reid worriedly.

Spencer nodded his head. "I don't want to take up too much of your space." 

"Our space." Derek corrected. "I want it to be filled with as many of your things as mine."

"I don't want anything else from here, I think we've taken enough books for now, I'm tired." Spencer said quietly, avoiding Dereks eye contact. "How about some of your coffee mugs?" Derek asked carefully. Spencer shrugged and nodded, following the man he loved into the kitchen.

They spent several minutes wrapping mugs and carefully putting them into the box. Derek handed a mug with atoms on it to Spencer, but let go before it was quite in the boys grip, causing the mug to fall to the ground, a loud shattering echoed through the apartment. Before he could process what had happened, Spencer was on the ground, a sick _thud_ was heard from the impact of Spencers knees on the hard tile. He was hunched over as he gathered the broken ceramic into a pile, his body shaking with silent tears.

"Shit, kid!" Derek yelled when he realized what he had just done. He didn't miss the way Spencers entire body flinched at his loud voice. "I'm sorry.. I'm cleaning it, it's okay.." Spencer whispered, his voice scared. Derek wanted to cry and punch the wall at the scene before him. Spencer was scared-no- terrified in that moment, all because Derek dropped the mug, it wasn't even Spencer's fault!

"I can clean it, I promise, It's okay.." Spencer continued to mumble as he gathered the shards in his hands desperately, no awareness over the possibility of cutting his hands.

"Spencer, it's alright, be careful, get away from that before you hurt yourself.." Derek said gently, kneeling by the shaking boy. "I'll make it all better, I promise.." Spencer choked out, his tears becoming less silent as he shook harder.  
  


Derek released an exasperated sigh, he felt at a loss for how to handle the situation, how to help the man he loved to feel safe. "Spencer, look at me baby.." Derek pleaded, desperately trying to calm the sobs coming from his love. Spencer looked at him with his tear streaked face, "I'm sorry.." Spencer whimpered.

"It was my fault, baby.. Even if you had been the one to drop it, I would never be mad, okay?" Derek said gently, cupping Spencers hands in his own and carefully pulling them away from the shards on the ground. "I-I'm sorry.. I'll clean it.. Uh.. I can- I can uh.." Spencer was stuttering and his breaths were panicked. Derek winced at the way Spencer was looking at him terrified, like he was waiting to be hurt.

Derek tightened his grip on Reids hands, hoping to reassure him, but instead the genius began shaking harder. "Shh, baby, I'm not mad, I promise.." Derek said softly, kissing Reids hands. "I'll fix it.." The boy said in a pleading tone, his eyes were glazing over and Derek felt himself panicking. Spencer was going to go into a full flashback if Derek didn't figure out how to help him soon. "Spencer, it's Derek with you right now, I need you to listen to me, okay?"

"Derek?" Spencer asked, his voice was slightly confused.

"Yes, pretty boy, right here. You're safe with me."

"I'm safe with you." Spencer said back.

They carefully stood back up together and Derek lead Spencer away from the broken mug on the ground before pulling the genius into a tight hug. Spencer broke down into sobs, his face buried in the crook of Dereks neck. "You're safe.." Derek cooed, rubbing his hand on Spencers back in soothing circles. "I-I don't know what happened.." Spencer cried. "It's alright, I'm right here.." Derek said, kissing the top of Spencers head.

"I want to leave, I- I can't be here any longer.." Spencer sobbed out. "Okay baby, let me take you to the car, then I'll bring the boxes out." Derek promised.

The lack of argument from the boy was worrying, that had to mean that Spencer was beyond tired and hurting. Once he got the boy settled into the car, he gave him a kiss on the cheek before heading up to the apartment and stacking some boxes to carry out, thankful for his rigorous gym routine. With the last box of mugs, Derek locked the door behind himself, praying this was the last time he would have to bring Spencer there.

Now that he knew just how bad Spencers PTSD still was, he knew how long of a road to recovery they had left. He would stand by Spencer as long as the genius would allow, but he couldn't help but fear that Spencer might need more professional help to get over his trauma. A mug breaking sent him into a panic attack, almost a flashback, how could he handle anything actually involved in a relationship? Derek loved the young man who was sitting in his truck, waiting for him, but he was worried what type of relationship they could have. He would still be with Spencer even if they couldn't have sex, though it would be difficult. Derek is an affectionate man, he wasn't sure if he could properly handle a relationship where his touch would most likely not be wanted at times. 

Once in the drivers seat, he took a second to look at Reid who was now staring at him with a look the older man couldn't quite place. Spencer leaned forward and captured Dereks lips with his own. It was several moments before the young man pulled away with a smile. "What was that for?" Derek asked with a goofy smile, his eyes showed his surprise at Reids actions. "I love you." Spencer whispered, sitting back in his seat and closing his eyes, letting himself rest.

As he drove them back home, Derek thought that maybe the relationship wouldn't be quite as hard he thought. Spencer still needed to heal and Derek would help him with that, but as long as the boy loved him, he would be happy.


	3. Tables and chairs worn by all of the dust

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Recovery takes a long time, and sometimes it's hard on more than just the person recovering.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> its after 4am and im posting this while eating a bowl of cheerios for my dinner... that's where I'm at.
> 
> hope you're all doing better than myself. :)

Derek woke to a slap across the face. He was about to launch himself out of bed, ready to defend himself from the potential danger when he heard a familiar whimper. He opened his eyes wide to see Spencer, tossing in his sleep with tears streaming down his face. _Another nightmare, when will he catch a break?_

He sat up, being careful not to touch Spencer when he was like that, he'd already learned his lesson with that. "Spencer, baby.. Wake up, you're safe.." He said softly, praying his words would break through to the boy. Luckily, it seemed that Spencer had calmed in his sleep almost a immediately, his tossing and flailing limbs came to a stop as he stilled on the bed. Derek let out a sigh and began to lay back down when Spencer made a sound like a muffled cry.

This time, he lightly put his hand on Spencer's shoulder and rubbed his arm in a soothing manner. "Shh, pretty boy, you're safe. It's Derek with you, come on.." He whispered to the boy, seemingly causing the tension in his unconscious form to drain. "There you go.." He cooed gently, laying down and wrapping his arms around the genius. He pulled Spencer's body to his own, releasing a sigh of content when the boy basically melted into him.

_If I could take away these nightmares, I would, in a heartbeat I would. If I could make you feel safe enough not to flinch when you hear a mans voice become angry, I would. If I could make you see yourself how I see you, beautiful, brilliant, perfect, I would. If I could make you feel secure enough to experience pleasure again, even if it was just from yourself, I would, god I would. I know you don't look in the mirror longer than you have to, I know you only eat when that hunger gives you headaches, I know you take cold showers every morning because you can't even touch yourself without being afraid. I know it all, you think I don't notice that you startle for just a second every time I wrap my arms around you before you realize it's me. You think I don't see how you distance yourself from any new alpha man you come by. You think I don't see the flash of panic in your eyes every time you cut us off when our kisses get too heated._

_How many times will I have to be understanding before you stop being afraid I'll get mad when you say no? How many times will I have to tell you to leave the dishes for me to clean before you stop doing them anyway to avoid being yelled at? How many mugs, plates, bowls will we have to drop before they stop sending you into flashbacks? How many times will I see you shirtless before you stop desperately trying to hide your scars from me? How many times will I have to say I love you before you stop looking at me disbelievingly before saying it back? How many times, Spencer?_

Derek forced his thoughts to end, he'd felt tears threatening to fall from his eyes since he'd let his mind wander. He planted a firm and comforting kiss on the top of his young loves head before letting himself fall back to sleep, finding solace in the lithe body pressed against his, their hearts beating against their chests together.

* * *

The second time he woke up, it wasn't due to a flailing hand hitting him in the face. He could still feel the warmth of Spencer's lithe body pressed against him, sleeping soundly. He didn't have the heart to wake the sleeping genius, he knew how rare it was he got any proper sleep. Spencer's face was pressed against his chest, they were both fully clothed, but he could still feel the young mans breaths against his shirt. He held Reid a little tighter, pressing another kiss to the top of his head.

"Mmm?" Spencer moaned against Dereks chest, nuzzling the older man with his face. Derek smiled as he looked down at the beautiful man finding comfort within his strong arms. "Morning, pretty boy.." Derek murmured into the boys chestnut brown curls. "Morning.." Spencer said back, his voice was rough as always in the morning, something Derek had grown fond of.

Spencer lifted his head to look at Derek, but ended up yawning in the older mans face, making them both laugh. "What time is it?" Spencer asked the still chuckling man holding him against himself. "Doesn't matter.. We just got back from a case, Hotch said we are off today, remember?" Derek said with a bright smile. Spencer blinked before pushing his face back into Derek's warmth. 

Dereks stomach gave a loud growl, though Reid didn't seem to notice, that or he didn't care. "As much as I love you like this, I think it's time we eat some breakfast, sleeping beauty." Derek teased, ruffling Spencer's curls. The boy groaned and pressed himself impossibly closer, "Breakfast can wait.." 

Derek scoffed, "You're still supposed to be on a high calorie diet since you basically ignored it while you recovered, which I might add, is the reason it took you so long to be cleared for field work again." Derek said seriously, giving Spencer a harsh look. "I'm a perfectly acceptable weight, I don't need you to force me to eat." Spencer defended.

Derek kept his piercing gaze on Spencer, not having the patience for this. He may love Spencer, but damn could the kid be petulant at times. "You're still underweight." He stated, it was nothing but a fact, but it still seemed to make Spencer wince. "No I'm not, you wouldn't even know anyway." Reid said as he rolled his eyes in annoyance. Derek let out an exasperated sigh before tackling this further, "Just because you don't let me see your body, doesn't mean I can't tell you're underweight, Spencer."

Spencer went stiff in Dereks arms and he knew he'd just made a mistake, a really big mistake. "Wait, no, that's not what I meant-" Derek started, but stopped when the boy moved away from him, Derek didn't try to hold on to him, afraid he'd scare him. "I know exactly what you meant." Spencer whispered, sitting up and swinging his legs over the bed. He was fast to stand up and leave the room before Derek could say anything else.

_Shit, shit shit shit shit **shit!** God, I just messed up, why would I say that to him?_

Derek got out of the bed after a few minutes of mentally chastising himself for his words. He already knew that would be rattling around inside Spencer's head for weeks, if not months. He made his way out to the kitchen, spotting Reid who was waiting by the brewing coffee pot. He took a seat at the counter, but said nothing until Spencer had poured his coffee and sugar. "Spence-"

Spencer waved his hand dismissively, "Please don't." Spencer cut in. He kept his face plain, but Derek could hear the hurt in his voice. Derek furrowed his brows, "Spencer, I didn't mean it how it sounded.."

Spencer scoffed and gave Derek and incredulous look, "But you kind of did, didn't you?" Before Derek could even formulate a response, Spencer was talking again. "Why are you even with me, Derek? Are you just waiting till I'll let you see my body? My scarred, used, disgusting body? Waiting till I'll let you use me like he did!?" Spencer stopped his screaming when he saw the way Derek winced at his words, his breath hitching in his chest. Spencer slapped his hand over his mouth, realizing what he'd just accused the one man who'd shown him nothing but love of.

Derek stood up and braced his hands on the counter, hanging his head as he tried to get control over his emotions, fighting himself not to snap and yell at the small man before him. Spencer took a step closer, not knowing what to say, how to fix what he had already said. "I'm sorry." He decided on whispering. "That's what you think of me?" Derek's voice cracked as he spoke.

Spencer's eyes went impossibly wide "NO! No... Of course not, Derek-"

"You just said that, Reid!" Spencer flinched at the harsh use of his last name.

"I- I know, but I didn't mean! I regretted it the second I said it. I don't know why I said that to you, I know you're different from-" 

Derek cut him off before he could continue, speaking in a harsh tone that made the genius want to recoil. "I know why you said it, Spencer. It's how Kristopher made you feel, isn't it? He treated you like that's all you were good for-"

"Derek, stop, I don't want to talk about-"

"He took advantage of you, he made you trust him and then he hurt you! I saw the videos, Spencer, I already know what he did!"

"Please stop talking about-"

"I watched him threaten you into flushing your veins with Dilaudid and then force himself insi-" He cut himself off when he heard Spencer release a muffled sob through the hands he had placed back over his mouth, tears streaming down his face. One second Spencer was in front of him, looking as hurt as he had that day he revealed his secret to Derek in this same house that they now share, and the next, Spencer was darting to the sink and throwing up bile, not having anything in his stomach to expel. 

He rushed over to Spencer, but didn't touch him, not yet, he'd already learned his lesson from past experiences. "Shit, Spencer, baby, I'm sorry... Breathe for me, baby.." Derek soothed, hovering over the genius bent over the sink, dry heaving. Spencer snapped his head to the side, looking at Derek in pain. "I told you to stop!" He cried out, his words driving shards of guilt into Derek's roughly pounding heart.

"I know- God- I'm so sorry, I don't know why I said all that.. Spencer, I'm sorry." Derek said honestly, desperately. Spencer kept his grip on the sink, keeping himself upright since he didn't trust his legs to hold his weight in the moment. He shook his head and released a sad laugh, "This isn't going to work, Derek."

Derek felt his stomach drop as his heart shattered. Spencer noticed the look of heartbreak on the man he loved and immediately hurried his next words, "I don't mean _this_ ," he gestured between himself and Derek, "I mean _this._ " He said, now gesturing to himself. Derek looked at him confused, nowhere even close to following the young mans words.

"You've lost me.." Derek said quietly. Spencer let out a long, tired sigh before letting go of the counter and taking a step towards Derek, closing the gap between them. He grabbed Derek's hand in his own, savoring the warmth the larger man always put off. 

"I want this- us, to work. I want to have a life with **you**. When I was with **him** , I was... miserable, scared, alone," Spencer cleared his throat and took a shaky breath before continuing. "You've helped me heal in.. so many ways, I can't even express to you how thankful I am for you. I know that you tiptoe around a lot of topics- actions.. I know you feel hurt every time I flinch away from you, but it hurts me just as much that my body can't seem to understand that I'm safe with you even though I- my brain does." Spencer let a few more tears fall for them both, he knew Derek wouldn't cry in front of him, not while he is still so fragile, so he decided he would be okay to cry for them both.

"Spencer-" Derek choked out, though he took a second to compose himself before continuing, "I just want you to be happy, but I know you aren't, not fully. When you smile, it rarely reaches your eyes... Your eyes, they always dart around a room when you enter like you're waiting to see _him..._ You won't even look at yourself in the mirror more than necessary, I don't expect you to let me see you, even though I already know you're handsome, beautiful, perfect to me. You think that you have everyone believing you've recovered- healed, but I know that you haven't. I'm reminded every time you look at me terrified when you halt our kisses that become just a bit too heated for you. I know you can't help these things, after what you lived through, it's amazing how far you've come. I just wish I could help you, but I can't and it destroys me."

Spencer pulled Derek into a hug, wrapping his arms around the larger mans waist while Derek engulfed Spencer in his giant arms, conveying safety and love through his hold on the young man. "I'm sorry.. I should have known how my lingering issues would impact you as well.." He whispered into Derek's chest. He felt a strong hand come to the back of his head, fingers carding through his curls. A firm kiss being planted at the top of his head, lingering for only a second, leaving too soon.

"That's not what I wanted you to take away from what I said, pretty boy. I was trying to tell you that I _know_ you're still healing and you will be for awhile, but that's okay, it will always be okay. I'm not leaving you as long as you'll have me. Earlier, when you were upset, you asked why I was with you-"

"Derek, I wasn't thinking strai-"

"Shh, Kid, let me say this..." 

Spencer nodded against his chest, remaining quiet.

"I'm with you because I love you. I'm not _waiting_ for you to let me do anything with you. I would be happy just being able to hold you for the rest of my life, I don't need anything more from you, I need you to understand this." Derek said seriously, his voice was full of emotion, striking chords in Reid he didn't know he had.

Spencer nuzzled Derek's chest with his face, taking a deep breath in order to inhale the scent of his love. "One day.. You'll be able to call me your lover and... It'll be true and I won't be scared." Spencer said quietly, muffled in the strong agents chest, barely audible.

Derek kissed his head once again, this time lingering a moment longer than before, causing a smile to spread on Spencer's face. "There's more to being a lover than sex." Derek assured.

Spencer chuckled, "I know, but I'm saying I _want_ to be able to have sex with you one day and I won't be scared. I already know you would never hurt me, intellectually I understand that I am safe with you and it would be.. _amazing_ -"

Derek let out a breathy laugh and spoke with a smug tone, "Well I am-" He was cut off by a playful smack from Spencer who was smiling and rolling his eyes into Derek's chest.

" **but** I know that my body isn't ready, I need more time, but I want to progress in my recovery. I want to work on the things I've ignored, the things I've just resigned to being routine when they shouldn't be."

"Like what?"

"Like hiding from you." Spencer took a step back, untangling himself from Derek's hold, causing both men to miss the warmth and comfort the other provided. He looked into Derek's eyes and smiled, this time, it did reach his eyes. He grabbed the hem of his shirt and began to slowly lift it, but was halted by Derek's panicked words, "Wait- Spencer, I don't want you to feel like you have to- I mean I'd be glad to see you- Just don't think-" Spencer covered Dereks mouth with his hand and gave him a bored look.

"I know what I'm doing and I want to." He assured, slowly retracting his hand from Dereks mouth, hovering it in the air for a moment till he was sure the dark-skinned agent would keep his mouth shut. He returned his hands to his shirt, this time moving more swiftly before Derek could stop him, peeling his shirt off his torso and dropping it to the kitchen tile. _I'll pick it up after I've finished whatever dramatic statement I'm trying to make to Derek right now.._

Derek's eyes shamelessly roamed over the pale skin exposed in front of him, he'd already seen this scene before him a number of times, usually in short flashes and once when it was covered in bruises and fresh welts. Spencer was beautiful to him, scars and all. He wasn't repulsed or even slightly turned off by the sight of them, they told a story, one that was long and riddled with emotional and physical agony, but it took strength to overcome each of those marks. Knowing that, Derek could stare at the skin for the rest of his life, learning the pain behind each mark that marred his pretty boy's skin.

Spencer's eyes found themselves looking at the roof as Derek's roamed over his shoulders to his waist, going over the visible skin multiple times with adoration.

"You're beautiful."

That night, when they slept in the same bed again, they didn't wear their shirts, it was a test run really, both were afraid it would trigger nightmares or a panic attack. Once they had both gotten settled, their fears were soothed by the warmth and comfort their bare upper bodies offered. Derek held Spencer to his chest, this time he could feel the young mans warm breaths against his bare chest, not a t-shirt. Spencer found that despite also having a muscular build, Derek really felt nothing like Kristopher as he was held tight in the mans strong embrace. Maybe it was because Derek's hold was loving, safe, not crushing and terrifying. It didn't matter why, what mattered was that Spencer was sleeping in the same bed as Derek, skin on skin.. and he wasn't afraid.

Despite his earlier thought to himself, Spencer had completely forgotten his shirt on the floor in the kitchen. It remained there the entire day and night, not being picked up till the next morning when Derek almost slipped on it, devastatingly spilling his coffee in the process, not that he really cared given why the shirt was there to begin with.

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pssstttt... hey you, yeah you, I have a tumblr (@BlueberriesAndBubbles) if you ever want to chat
> 
> Peace and love,  
> \- Nei <3


	4. This is a place where I don't feel alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for rape/non-con. There is a detailed flashback referencing the previous work in this series. Any scenes including the warnings on this fic will be from Spencer's past with Kristopher.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone that left comments of love and support on chapter 4 of my other work "Same Dark Places" regarding my chemotherapy (And those who reached out on tumblr). The side effects are hitting me hard and I've had to take time off work, but when I feel well enough, I'm writing and trying to continue living life. Peace and Love,
> 
> Nei <3

He couldn't help but smile, watching the genius working at his desk. He was nervous for Spencer to be at work again, but he's only proved himself to be strong since returning. They'd just gotten back from another grueling case, though it had a happy ending with the unsub in cuffs and a 13 year old girl making it home to her parents. Derek was tired and usually he would go straight home after finishing his paperwork, but now he had a reason to linger. That reason being a certain Doctor. Spencer always took on extra work after cases, a way to work through the events of the past week.

Derek found himself happy to sit and subtly observe the genius for awhile before prompting him to put it all away for the night so that they could head home and actually eat something. You'd think that when you live with someone, you'd want some time away from them, yet Derek couldn't get enough of Spencer. The way his finger will glide across the page as he reads at an unbelievable speed. The way he doesn't wear his contacts at night so he's always pushing his glasses back up his nose. Most amazing of all, the way he knows the answer to everything, Derek has yet to ask the Doctor a question he didn't readily have a slew of facts and research to respond with.

He decided it was late enough and swiftly stood from his desk, walking the few feet to hover over his distracted boyfriend. "Ready to go home?" He asked, causing Reid to startle for a second before looking at his older lover and smile as he nodded. Once in Derek's truck, they found themselves in a comfortable silence. 

"Hey, want to go to that pizza place again? I think I want some more of that garlic bread." Derek recommended. He hadn't expected Spencer to go completely stiff in the seat next to him before mumbling a tense agreement. 

"You okay?" He pressed, getting nothing but a shallow nod from the boy. "If you don't want pizza we can go somewhere else or cook at home."

"Can we eat at home?" Spencer asked quietly. Timidly. Derek smiled reassuringly and nodded, "Of course, pretty boy." 

Once settled into the house they now share, Spencer got comfortable on the sofa, curled up with a research paper he printed earlier to avoid more screen time. "Alright, what's the verdict on dinner?" Derek asked from the kitchen as he stared into the open fridge.

"I'm not hungry." Spencer said dismissively. Derek walked away from the fridge to give Spencer a bored look, "Hungry or not, food is going in that stomach of yours."

"No it's not."

"For a doctor you really don't care about your health.."

"I'm not that kind of doctor and you know that." Spencer scowled. "Please eat something. For me?" Derek gave him his best panty dropping smile. Spencer sighed and stood up, following Derek into the kitchen.

Derek wrapped his arms around the genius from behind, "We'll eat something light since you're being stubborn, okay?" Derek teased, placing a chaste kiss below Spencer's ear. The boy couldn't help but smile and lean further into the touch, savoring the safety from within Derek's arms.

"You're so pretty in my arms like this." Derek whispered, kissing Spencer's ear which was quickly becoming a bright shade of red to match his now flushed cheeks. The boy couldn't think up a reply that wouldn't make him more flustered. "No smart retort?" Derek teased, running his hands up and down Reids chest and dipped in belly.

"N-Not this time, no.." Spencer says hesitantly. Derek hums as he kisses down Reid's throat, gently sucking the skin while being careful not to leave a mark. The small sound from his young loves throat is encouragement enough for him to wrap his arms tighter around Spencer as he licks and nips at the exposed skin above Reid's collar.

"I guess dinner can wait." Derek murmured, rubbing lazy circles into Spencer's skin beneath his shirt and sweater vest. Spencer nearly squeaked when fingers pinched his nipple, instead he accidentally thrust his hips back.

Derek couldn't help but groan at the contact, spinning Spencer around in his arms so he could smash their lips together in a bruising kiss. He gladly swallowed Spencer's whimpers, thrusting his hips against the genius's. "Is this okay?" He asked breathlessly, pulling away from Spencer's now red and swollen lips. "Mmhmm" The boy moaned.

He let Derek lead him back to the sofa in the living room, collapsing on top of Derek's lap. They were attached at the lips again, hands roaming over each others bodies. Derek shifted him so that he was straddling his lap, his hands back under Reids shirt, rubbing over smooth skin. Spencer wasn't sure why, though he had a feeling it was because of Derek mentioning the pizza place earlier, but he wasn't with Derek anymore. He wasn't in their home anymore. He was in his old apartment, on top of Kris, he was back at that night after he'd gotten pizza with his best friend.

**~Flashback~**

_**"You're going to ride me, Pen." Kris said, gripping Spencer's waist.** _

_**"B-but.. lube Kris, please. Still sore.." Spencer whined, letting his head fall to Kristophers shoulder.** _

_**"Shh, it's okay baby, just go slow, we both know you don't need lube anymore." Kris said, stroking over the gashes in Spencer's back, making him shiver.** _

_**"Get to it before I have to take you, and I wont be slow, you know that baby." Kris said coldly.** _

_**Spencer slowly lifted himself up and Kris grabbed his own member, holding it still as Reid began to sink down onto him.** _

_**"Aughh! I-it hurts K-ris!" Spencer whined out, trying to lift back up but Kristophers grip kept him in place.** _

_**"I know, keep going, you can relax once you're all the way down." Kristopher said, pulling Spencer into a kiss as he added pressure to his hips, pushing the genius down.** _

_**Spencer cried into the kiss as he was forced down onto the hard cock.** _

_**"P-lease! I c-cant! Hurtsss!" Spencer cried out, breaking away from the kiss as Kristopher pushed him down harder.** _

_**"Sit on it, slut! I don't have all day!" Kris snapped, forcing Spencer all the way down.** _

_**Reid screamed out in agony as he felt something tear inside himself, a warm trickle of liquid running down his thigh shortly after.** _

_**"You deserves this. Say it, Pen. Be my good little Pen and say it."** _

_**"I deserve this."** _

**~~~~~~~~**

Derek was pulled out of his lust-filled haze the second the first cry left Spencer's lips and he squirmed in Derek's lap like he was fighting against a hold on his hips. He didn't know what to do when Spencer dropped his head onto his strong shoulder and simply cried out in agony. He rubbed soothing circles into the boys back and tried whispering a mantra of _you're okay, you're safe, it's Derek_ , but nothing seemed to be working. It wasn't till he lifted Spencer and laid him down on the sofa did he finally settle.

"I deserve this." Spencer choked out. Those words filled Derek with a horror he'd only felt when he'd watched the videos Kristopher had taken of him.

"God Spencer, baby, you don't deserve that. Open your eyes for me, pretty boy." It was the final nickname that caused Spencer to blink his eyes open. Sweat was still slick on his forehead and his cheeks were wet with tears. "Derek.." He whimpered, reaching for his loves hand. Derek hastily took it, kissing the back of Spencer's hand.

"I'm here baby, god Spencer, you didn't deserve any of what that bastard did to you."

Spencer nodded before wrapping his free hand around Derek's neck and pulling him into a gentle kiss, reassuring himself that Derek was there, with him. Once they pulled away, Spencer began speaking, he wasn't sure why, but he needed to say it.

"That night- When we got the pizza- Uh- Kristopher was upset when he found out I lied." Derek rubbed his hand on Spencer's stomach over his clothes in reassuring circles. "I had told him we just landed after I left the pizza place. When I got home.. He- He made me.." Spencer broke off with a small cry, slinging his arm over his eyes. Derek added more pressure into his movements over Spencer's stomach, encouraging him to continue. "He made me ride him. W-Without lube. He told me it was my fault, just kept making me repeat that anytime I did something to upset him. He told me it was because of you," Spencer felt Derek's movements still for a moment before continuing. "That's why I stopped talking with you outside of work." Spencer was sobbing at this point.

"I'm so sorry, Derek! I missed you so much.. I just wanted to tell you what was happening, but I was scared and I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to close you out, I'm so sorry-" Spencer was cut off by a gentle kiss to his cheek.

"You never have to apologize for anything you did during that time. I love you, Spencer Reid, nothing will change that." Spencer gave him a soggy smile before kissing him again.

"Thank you for being here, I love you too, Derek Morgan."

"Forever, baby boy."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback encourages more chapters, so please, let me know what you thought of this chapter! I'm sorry if this seemed.. rushed(?). It kind of was, I started feeling blegh while writing sooooooo yeah. 
> 
>   
> Tumblr: @BlueberriesAndBubbles  
> Twitter: @ReidAndBubbles  
> 


	5. This is a place where I feel at home

He did it again. He went into a dangerous situation with an unsub, without backup and had been hurt. Derek was furious as he drove to the hospital, hearing that his pretty boy had been shot. Hotch told him that he was at least wearing his Kevlar vest, so he wasn't actually pierced by the bullet, but he was being looked over at the hospital. Derek was seething with anger, he wanted to storm in there and shake his young partner into realizing how stupid his actions were. He was bolting into the ER with a speed he typically reserved for when lives were stake.

"Morgan." Hotch called over when he saw the large agent. He stormed over to Hotch, "Where is he?" He gritted out. 

"He's fine, just some bruising, they are discharging him soon." Hotch said, taking in Derek's demeanor.

"Where is he!?" Derek asked again, his voice louder this time.

Hotch nodded to the room down the hall, Derek took off despite his Unit Chief and Rossi trying to convince him to take a breather first. He tried to take some calming breaths as he walked towards Spencer's room, not wanting to lash out at his young and reckless lover. Once he'd opened the door and seen his genius sitting on the bed, shirtless, an ugly bruise already forming between his ribs, his anger was restored. Before he could even think about all the ways he wanted to express his anger, he needed to feel the boy. He took large steps towards his startled partner, placing his hands on his shoulders before gliding them over his chest and gently across the bruise.

"You could have died." He hissed out, feeling Spencer tremble beneath his hands.

Spencer could hear Derek's tone and it was terrifying, paralyzing even. "I'm sorry." He whispered, his voice weak with a twinge of fear slowly growing in his chest.

Derek took a step back, a dark look on his face, he was furious. He was furious with Spencer. The boy couldn't help but shrink in on himself, becoming a smaller target.

"Do you have any idea what it feels like being told that you were shot? AGAIN!? This self destructive behavior has to stop! We are getting on the jet, going home, and then talking about this! They said you can be discharged now so I'm leaving and I don't want to speak with you until we are at our house. Do you understand?" Derek was basically growling, staring Spencer down with something dark burning in his eyes.

All Spencer could do was nod his head, desperately fighting the tears trying to fall.

_I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry-_

With that, Derek stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind him, causing the doctor to violently flinch, not that Derek saw. He stalked past the eldest team members. "We could hear you yelling from here." Rossi said, his accusing tone causing a new fire of rage to spark inside of Derek. "He needed to be yelled at. I'll see you on the jet."

"Wait, aren't you taking him?" Hotch asked carefully.

"No, I can't be around him right now." Derek answered, his fists were clenched tight. Hotch released a heavy sigh before guiding Derek away from Rossi before continuing.

"Don't you think the last thing he needs is for you to be hostile towards him right now?" Hotch asked quietly.

Derek scoffed and rubbed his head, "I'm not being hostile. He put himself in danger, again. he disobeyed a direct order from you, again. He has a bruise, besides some soreness, he'll heal fine. He doesn't need me to coddle him right now, he doesn't even deserve that right now. He was reckless and for a genius, really damn stupid." 

Hotch's eyes suddenly widened and he tried to subtly tell Derek to stop talking, but the angered man continued his rant. "The entire team has lectured him on this ridiculous need to sacrifice himself every chance he gets! You can't possibly expect me to feel bad for him when it's his own damn fault he got shot this time. If it had killed him, we'd be the ones burying his dumb ass and having to grieve for him! You'd think with an IQ of 187 he wouldn't be so stupid sometimes-"

"Morgan, stop." Was all Aaron said when he couldn't take it anymore, there was no other way to subtly end Derek's words. Derek was about to snap at his Unit Chief for silencing him when his arm was brushed as Spencer darted past him and down the hallway, discharge papers in his arms. He couldn't see the tears streaming down the boys face, but if he could, he would have followed him. Luckily, Rossi followed the kid, walking him out of the hospital.

At Hotch's glare Derek spoke, "I only said the truth, it's the same thing I'd tell him when we get home."

Hotch analyzed him for a moment before speaking, "I'm not sure I approve of him going home with you after this, you're going to scare him." 

"He lives with me, Hotch! He's coming home with me so that I can properly talk to him about this, I'm done watching him get hurt."

Aaron sighed, "He's already had to experience living in a hostile environment, don't make him face that again."

"Are you comparing me to Kristopher?" Derek seethed.

"No, I'm-"

"Good, because if you were, I'd do something that would surely get me kicked off this team. Kristopher abused and raped him for months. I'm angry because he put himself in harms way despite knowing how much he means to me- to the entire team!" With that, Derek was exiting the hospital, Aaron calmly walking behind him, knowing he'd struck a nerve he never should have.

Rossi and Hotch took Reid to the jet, Derek drove himself. Once in the jet, Spencer carefully laid on the couch on his back, his ribs were bruised, but the main source of his pain was directly between them. He couldn't take narcotics so he was definitely feeling the ache in his middle. He wanted to whimper and curl up with the feeling of Derek's fingers stroking through his hair. He couldn't though, Derek was angry with him- no- furious with him. He couldn't help but feel fear shoot through him at the idea of being home with Derek like this. Since they'd been on the case so long, Hotch decided everyone could have tomorrow off, which was a Friday. Unless another case came in, they'd have three days off together. He shut his eyes, hoping that by the time they landed, Derek will have calmed down.

Derek watched his partner attempt sleep from across the jet, music playing through his headphones. It was a long flight, longer than any he'd had before. Not really, but it sure felt that way as he desperately tried not to shoot up and shake his pretty boy by the shoulders and demand an answer for why he would put himself in danger like that when he has Derek who couldn't live without him.

Once the jet landed safely in Virginia, Derek waited till everyone else had left before standing and heading towards Reid who had managed to fall asleep on the couch. He loomed over Spencer before gently nudging his shoulder, even if he was angry he didn't want to startle his small lover. Spencer still shot up despite the gentle touch, his breaths labored as he tried to breathe through the pain in his torso. "Ow.." His muttered, it was the best he could do to prevent crying out at the pain.

"Come on, we're going home." Derek said coldly, turning around and heading towards his truck. Spencer timidly followed behind, sliding into the passenger seat as carefully as he could to avoid any further pain.

It was several minutes into the tense and silent car ride that Spencer couldn't take it anymore. He was terrified for what would come when they arrived home. He desperately fought back memories of all the ways Kristopher would always make him apologize. He knew Derek was different, but that didn't seem to matter when it came to his PTSD. Right now, Derek was a danger to him, that's all he could think. He put all of his defenses up and reverted back to his old methods of survival. _If you're submissive and obey, you won't be hurt as badly._

"I'm really sorry." He whispered, hoping he could earn some response from his older partner. 

"I told you I don't want to hear from you until we're home." Derek gritted out, gripping the steering wheel tightly in his fists. Spencer deflated and wrapped his arms around his middle, lowering his head and staring at his lap for the rest of the drive.

Upon arriving, Spencer hesitated to get out of the truck, but he knew it would only hurt worse if he angered the man further. He followed Derek into the house silently, keeping his head bowed as he did. Derek went straight to the kitchen after dropping his go bag in their room. Derek looked around inside the fridge before groaning in irritation, he really didn't feel like cooking, but he was starving and still had to encourage Spencer to eat. Spencer padded into the kitchen silently, keeping some distance between himself and Derek. He already knew why Derek was seemingly irritated with the fridge and he cleared his throat before quietly speaking.

"I-I can make dinner for us.. You can shower or relax- not that I'm trying to tell you what to do.." Spencer stammered, he took a step back and held his breath as he awaited a response. Derek closed the fridge and sighed.

"Thank you. Cook whatever, I'll eat it. I'm going to shower." Derek replied, his tone sounded slightly less tense as he brushed past Spencer and headed towards their bedroom where the master bath was. Spencer released the breath he'd been holding and got to work. He knew he didn't have too long and he didn't want to make Derek any more upset by having to wait for his food.

He decided Spaghetti with meat sauce would have to work. He was quick with making the sauce, they had some jars of tomato sauce and he added seasonings, peppers, and onions to it along with some ground beef. He had that simmering on the stove as he started boiling the pasta. He knew how much Derek enjoyed a side with his meals, but he didn't have time to make garlic bread. He started panicking as he looked around the kitchen for something to pair with the meal. It was as he pulled lettuce and other salad ingredients from the fridge that Derek finally emerged from the bathroom, now in sweatpants and a tshirt. It was too soon, the pasta wasn't finished boiling yet and he hadn't even started the salad. 

Derek walked into the kitchen and couldn't help but smile as he watched Spencer from behind as the genius frantically began putting a salad together. He couldn't see the panicked, terrified look his beloved was wearing, or else he wouldn't be smiling. He was still upset with Spencer, but after a hot shower and coming out to the smell of a delicious meat sauce, he felt most of his anger drain away. He would talk with Spencer about his recklessness over dinner, but for now he just wanted to hold the boy. He walked up behind him and wrapped his arms around his waist as he tossed the salad. Spencer jumped in his arms before going stiff.

"I'm sorry, it's not done yet- it will be in 2 minutes- I promise!" He squeaked out, hoping Derek wouldn't be angry with him. Derek chuckled in his ear, not registering the terror in his pretty boys voice as he placed a gentle kiss on his neck. "Take your time, it smells amazing." He whispered before backing away and taking a seat at the counter where he could watch Spencer strain the pasta and begin plating their food.

Spencer insisted on carrying the food to the table and even grabbed Derek a beer from the fridge, a water for himself. Once settled at the table, Derek took a bite of the pasta and moaned in delight, "This is amazing, Spencer. I wouldn't believe that it took you so little time. You even made a salad. Great job, baby." He praised, always hoping to cause a blush on those normally pale cheeks. Spencer gave him a timid smile, but he didn't blush like normal, he seemed distracted. 

"We need to talk about your actions today, Spencer." The genius went very still in his seat, his eyes lowered to his plate.

"You disobeyed an order from Hotch. You went in there by yourself with an armed unsub. You could have died, Spencer. You're lucky all you have is a little bruise." It sure didn't feel like a little bruise, it was causing Spencer's entire middle to ache. He nodded his head shamefully as he let Derek's words soak in.

"If you die, I'll be the one burying you, the team will. Who would care for your mom?" Spencer's eyes widened at that. "I-"

"I'm talking right now." Derek snapped sternly. Spencer shut his mouth and nodded his head.

"You don't get what it's like every time I have to hear that you've been hurt! Every time I have to drive to the hospital or ride in an ambulance with you. It's terrifying. You terrify me. I can't keep having this conversation with you, so don't make me go through it again." Derek sighed and rubbed a hand over his head, shaking it lightly. "Do you understand me?"

Spencer hated the disappointment, the anger in his partners voice. It made him shake all over, memories telling him that he knows better than to argue.

"I understand." The rest of their meal was spent in silence.

By the time Derek had finished every scrap on his plate, Spencer had only eaten a few bites, his stomach doing flips. Derek frowned at his baby's plate, "Think you can eat a bit more for me?" He asked gently, he was now noticing the waves of anxiety wafting off his partner, though he figured he was probably still a little shaken from being shot and then touched by doctors, nurses and paramedics.

To his surprise, Spencer didn't complain or say no. He hurried a few more bites as Derek watched, like he'd been commanded. Derek couldn't help but chuckle, assuming he was finally getting some improvement with genius over his terrible eating habits. Maybe he could actually get some meat on his beloved's bones. As Derek stood to clear his plate, Spencer was already darting up to clear it for him, taking their dishes to the sink and starting washing immediately.

"Hey, you cooked, I'll clean." Derek offered. He frowned when Spencer shook his head and continued to scrub at the dishes with a soapy sponge, "I-I got it, you should rest. I think we have a football game taped." Spencer said quietly. Derek chuckled and placed a tender kiss to Spencer's shoulder, rubbing his hands along the boys sides before he left towards the living room, turning on the game. 

Once the dishes and pots were all cleaned to perfection and put away neatly, Spencer wiped down the counters and organized the kitchen till he felt a bit more at ease. As he slowly walked into the living room, he eyed Derek closely to gauge his mood. It didn't seem that his partner was particularly invested in the game at the moment so he took a chance. "Is it okay if I take a shower?" He asked, holding his breath when Derek looked at him confused. "What? Yeah, yeah, but you have to sit and watch the game with me after, you're my good luck charm." He chuckled at his genius. Spencer smiled, but didn't dare inform Derek that the game was recorded, whether he was a good luck charm wouldn't matter now.

He was quick with his shower, aggressively scrubbing his skin as hot water poured over him. He tried not to whimper every time the harsh spray landed on his spreading bruise. Afterwards he dressed in a pair of grey joggers and a blue long-sleeved cal-tech shirt, both were a soft material and he found them comforting in his current state. He pulled on a pair of fluffy socks Garcia had gotten him, she got him two pairs so he could mismatch them. One was blue with white polka-dots, the other was pink with black stripes. Only Garcia and Derek knew about these socks and he planned to keep it that way. He timidly shuffled back out to the living room.

Derek looked up from his game when he heard the gentle padding of his boyfriend. He smiled at the sight of Spencer in his pajamas, fluffy socks and damp curls. "C'mere baby." He said, padding the space next to him. Spencer shuffled over and curled up next to his boyfriend with little hesitance. As the game progressed, so did Spencer's position. He was exhausted and had finally calmed down from the gentle stroking of Derek's fingers through his still drying hair. He had ended up laying across the couch, his head in his older partners lap. Derek was careful not to move much to avoid jostling his young lover whose eyes were drooping.

Spencer was moments away from falling into a seemingly peaceful sleep when Derek's voice suddenly boomed through the house, directly above him. He was angry and raging over the referee being _unfair and stupid_. The angered tone from above him caused waves of fear to wash over him. He didn't know what to do, everything seemed to become blurry around him as he rolled off Derek's lap, as well as the couch. With a sick **thud** , he fell to the floor, causing pain to radiate within his middle.

"Shit- Baby! Spencer, what happened?" Derek worried, standing and kneeling by his lover, the game long forgotten. Spencer curled up on the floor, breathing through the pain in his chest and ribs. He couldn't stop the tears from falling or the need to crawl away from the danger.

"Spencer, stay still- it's okay. Breathe for me, baby." He gently placed his hands on Spencer's shoulders, trying to calm him. It had the opposite effect, Spencer began thrashing and crying out, trying to escape the hands. He expected to hear Spencer start begging Kris to not hurt him, what he heard instead shattered his heart in a way he didn't think could ever be put back together.

"No! I'm sorry, Derek! I'm sorry! P-Please don't- don't hurt me! I'll be good!" He wailed, cowering from his partner on the floor.

Derek staggered backwards, Spencer wasn't in a flashback, he thought Derek was going to hurt him.

"Spencer- No, I- I'm not going to hurt you.. Baby, calm down, please.." He said gently, keeping his distance from the man curled up on the ground crying.

"I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry-' Spencer chanted, his hands in his hair.

"Shhh Spencer, baby please look at me.."

"Please pretty boy, just look at me, you're safe.."

"I won't hurt you."

Spencer's hands eased away from his hair and he carefully lifted his head, fearfully watching his older lover like he was waiting to see any sign of aggression.

"There's those beautiful hazel eyes I love so much. You're safe pretty boy. Always safe with me." He cooed, scooting closer to the genius while keeping his movements slow and non-threatening. Once he was sitting directly next to Spencer's head, he gave a tentative smile to the boy who was still watching him like a hawk.

"Can I touch you?" He asked carefully. Spencer watched him for a second longer before slowly nodding. Derek carefully brought his hand down to card his fingers through Spencer's messy curls, brushing them out of his fearful face. After a minute of gentle petting and soft nonsense words, all resembling some promise of safety and love, Spencer started shuffling closer to his boyfriend, leaning into his touch.

"I'll never hurt you, Spencer." Derek vowed, to himself and the love of his life.

More tears sprang from Spencer's eyes as he treasured the gentle touches and soft voice of his partner, "I'm sorry." 

Derek shook his head, "No, don't be sorry. You don't ever have to be sorry. I won't be mad at you for this, it's not your fault. I never should have blown up at you the way I did earlier. I was terrified I almost lost you and then I yelled at you. I'm so sorry, Spencer." Spencer slowly sat up, wincing and releasing a whimper at the ache in his bruised middle. He arranged himself so he was between Derek's legs, leaning his side into the larger man, tracing circles in his strong chest.

"You should be able to yell at me when I do something stupid that hurts you." Spencer whispered.

"I don't care how reckless something is that you do, it doesn't give me the right to yell at you." He kissed the top of Spencer's head, being careful as he wrapped his arms around the lithe man.

"I'm not scared of you, I know you wouldn't hurt me. I just- sometimes I'm scared, not of anyone or anything, just scared. Scared of being hurt, scared of being trapped." Spencer pushed further into Derek's chest, finding comfort in his warmth.

"It's okay to be scared. Do you think you could tell me next time, maybe I could help you?" Derek asked, stroking his hand up and down Spencer's thin arm.

"I can't verbalize it. I'll try, but it's this paralyzing, silencing fear. All I can do is go back to what I used to do when I knew I'd angered K-Kristopher. I just keep my head down and do what I'm told and take care of everything." Spencer closed his eyes and released a heavy breath, finally getting so much off his weak chest.

"Is that why you cooked dinner and then insisted on doing the dishes?" Derek asked, a feeling of horror washing over him when Spencer nodded his head. Spencer had clearly been quiet and timid ever since the hospital. He let the boy cook him dinner and then do all the clean up after he'd been yelled at for getting shot. Any anger he had at Spencer for being reckless had disappeared, now replaced with guilt. The kid had even asked his permission to shower for God's sake! Why didn't he notice something earlier? He was too busy being petty and angry, that's why. He wanted to kick himself.

When Spencer whimpered again, bringing his hand to his bruise, Derek realize how uncomfortable their position was. "How does our bed sound right now, baby? Hmm?" He asked, placing a kiss to Spencer's ear.

"Sounds good.." Spencer replied softly. Derek stood first, then taking his boyfriends hands and gently helping him to his feet. Spencer held his hand while they walked to their bedroom and Derek didn't question it, he was happy to maintain contact with his pretty boy. After getting Spencer comfortably propped up in bed to avoid agitating his injury, Derek left with a quick promise of return and a peck to Spencer's forehead. He retrieved some NSAID's and a glass of water. He turned off all the lights in the house, but turned on a nightlight in the hallway in case Spencer woke up and needed to pace as he sometimes does in the night. Once back in the bedroom, his face lit up with an adoring smile when his eyes landed on Spencer, adorable in his pajamas, tousled curls, sleepy eyes, and a shy smile on his face upon seeing Derek. 

_Damn I'm lucky._

After encouraging Spencer to take the medication for his pain, he turned off the light, turned on the small blue nightlight, and then climbed into bed beside his young lover. He shifted close to Spencer, but didn't touch him out of fear of hurting or scaring him.

"Derek?"

"Yes, baby?"

"I really love you."

Spencer couldn't quite see it but he could hear the smile in Derek's voice when he replied, "I really love you too."

To the older agent's surprise, Spencer shuffled closer to him so that his head was on Derek's chest and his arm was thrown over the mans abs. After a trail of gentle kisses leading from Derek's chest to his neck, Spencer sleepily announced his love for the second time and fell into a peaceful sleep.

Derek was already planning on ways to spend this weekend showing Spencer just how perfect their life together could be, how there would be no pain, no fear, just bliss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow do i only write heart breaking stuff with semi-happy endings almost every single chapter? idk im trying to stay mentally positive but hahahaha that is really hard right now. if anyone else is going through chemotherapy rn, or has been for longer than a few weeks, does it ever become routine or does it always feel like it's not worth it? meh.


	6. 'Cause, I built a home, For you, For me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> with my health on the decline, updates aren't looking good. It felt good to be able to write some more though. I am trying to get updates out quicker, but for now I hope this chapter doesn't disappoint.

Waking up on a Friday didn't usually bring such a feeling of peace. Derek realizes it's because he isn't waking to a screeching alarm, but the soft glow of light coming through the curtains as a subtle reminder that the night has passed. The warm weight of Spencer wrapped around him and the soft puffs of air ghosting over his shirt. He couldn't stop himself from tracing his fingers over Spencer's sharp cheekbone to his sharp jawline. Derek can't help but think about kissing down the long pale neck of the genius. He runs his hand over Spencer's back, tracing his vertebra. He doesn't dare feel over the curve of Spencer's ass, he knows that type of touch isn't safe right now and may not be for a very long time. 

Hotch gave everyone this Friday off, it was a rare gift. Much like making it through the night without Spencer crying and screaming due to nightmares. After the day they had yesterday, Derek yelling and being angry the entire day and unknowingly causing his partner inner terror, he wasn't surprised to wake to the boy crying in his sleep during the night. He calmed down after being soothed for many moments and fell back into a deep sleep which thankfully stayed peaceful for the rest of the night. Now that it's morning, Derek has a hard time understanding how the boy can look so relaxed after everything he's been through, after the trauma and nightmares that continue to plague his sleep.

When Spencer's breath begins to change and stirs slightly from on top of his lover, Derek knows he'll be waking up soon. He cards his fingers through the chestnut-brown curls and smiles as bright as he's sure the sun is behind those curtains. The boy releases a low groan of distaste over waking up and pushes himself further into Derek's warmth. He lifts his head and stares at Derek with squinting eyes when the larger mans chest rumbles with a stifled laugh.

"Morning, Pretty boy." Derek chuckles, continuing to gently rid the messy curls of tangles with his fingers. Spencer groans again, this time scowling at his partner. He was getting ready to urge the boy up when the familiar sound of his phone ringing jolted both of their heads towards the nightstand. With a growl, Derek reached over and grabbed the phone, immediately answering when he saw Hotch's contact.

"Morgan." He said groggily, emphasizing that it was morning and they'd been promised the day off. Spencer watched the disappointment and dread cross over Derek's face and he already know they wouldn't be spending the day wrapped up with each other. After a sigh and agreement to meet in 30 minutes at the jet with Reid, Derek hung-up the phone and shut his eyes for a moment.

Spencer traced patterns over Derek's chest, "We have a case." Spencer said, his voice filled with exhaustion. "It's in Las Vegas, Nevada." Derek said, awaiting the expected stiffening of his lover. It came, right before Spencer rolled away and sat up, combing his hands through his unruly hair. Derek sat up as well and turned to face the back of his boyfriend was now nervously bouncing his leg.

"You just got shot yesterday, you can sit this one out." Derek offers, feeling the waves of anxiety wafting off the genius.

Spencer shakes his head vehemently, "No!" He took a few calming breaths and stopped the bouncing of his leg, "No. I can go, we should put together our go bags and meet them at the airstrip." Spencer said with determination. He swiftly stood and headed for their closet. Derek softly shook his head as he got up and followed Spencer's lead.

* * *

Spencer had been at the station with Hotch while Derek was at the crime scene. When Morgan returned to the station, he noticed something was definitely wrong with the genius. He had boxed himself into a corner, surrounded with files and papers and boxes. He'd created what looked like a safe nest, protecting him from the rest of the station. Derek scanned the room until he found Hotch and stalked towards him. 

"What's going on with Reid?" He asked worriedly. Aaron's eyes flickered over to Reid for only a moment before he gestured for Derek to follow him into one of the empty rooms, shutting the door behind them. "He was fine until I saw him speaking with Officer Adams. He looked ready to bolt at any second the entire time and the officers behavior was dominating. After speaking, Spencer surrounded himself with work and has been working on the geographical profile. I asked him about it and he shrugged it off, but something is off." Hotch explained hastily. His tone revealed that he was holding something, there was something he wasn't telling Derek.

"What else is there?" Derek asked wearily. Hotch sighed and rubbed his temples. "I asked Garcia to look into, thinking maybe Spencer had a feeling about him. Turns out, there's no connection to the victims, but to Spencer directly."

Derek's eyes darkened "..What type of connection?"

"They went tot he same school. They were also in the same class as seniors. Reid was 12 at the time, Addams was 19, he'd been held back a year. Addams got into trouble quite a few times, but there's nothing in his file about any incidents with Reid though." Hotch doesn't miss the way Derek flinches at the mention of Spencer's age, or how impossibly darker his eyes got at learning they were in the senior class together. Derek knows more than anyone about Spencer's high school experiences, though they all know he was severally bullied. 

"Was he on the football team?" Derek gritted out. Hotch didn't say anything, but that was answer enough. Derek was now seething with anger and felt a need to protect. A need to Addams in every way he'd hurt Reid. Spencer was strung-up naked to that goalpost his senior year, by the football team. The football team Addams was on. He turned and rushed out of the room towards Spencer's nest. He wasn't there. He scanned the officers in the room, which there were few, but none wore the name tag he was looking for. 

"Where is Officer Addams?" Derek asked the room, causing everyone's heads to snap in his direction. "He's going over your geo- something with your.. doctor on everything." A female officer offered, slightly confused by Derek's aggressive stance.

"Where?" He asked, this time more urgently. Before anyone could answer, a large officer came walking into the room, each step announcing his giant ego. Behind him, trailed Spencer, looking smaller than usual. Derek shot a glare towards the man as he walked towards Spencer who was shaking just slightly.

"What happened? What did he do? Did he lay a hand on you?" Derek asked in a whisper as he lead Spencer towards the nest he'd built. Spencer looked at him confused, but his eyes also held fear.

"Wha-" Before Spencer could finish, Derek was stroking up and down his arm and looking into his eyes more intently as he cut him off with his next words.

"I know he was on the football team the same year they.. did what they did to you out on that field." 

Spencer's face paled. "How?" He then noticed Hotch watching from a distance and cursed their unit chief in his head. "He didn't do anything. We were discussing the case, I needed some more files and he helped me find them." Spencer said, though his voice was too shaky for Derek to believe him. Then Spencer nodded as he spoke again, "I'm okay, really. We have a case to focus on, I need your head in the game for us both right now, Derek." Spencer said honestly. 

Derek released a heavy breath and agreed hesitantly, "Fine, but I don't want him anywhere near you again. Can't believe an asshole like that became a cop."

Spencer chuckled and sat himself back in the center of his protective nest, flashing a believable enough smile before reading over a new file. 

* * *

It was three long days before the case came to a close. The entire time part of Derek's energy had gone into keeping Spencer away from Addams. They man was aggressive and dominating whenever the genius was around and his behavior wasn't missed by a single profiler. He was threatened by Reid's intelligence, but no one else knew that this goes so far back. This is an entire high school career worth of abuse brought back for Spencer. It was as they were leaving the station for the last time that Derek caught Addams talking to Reid, looming over the boy despite the geniuses height which gives him his lanky appearance. Spencer looked like he was almost cowering, though Derek could see something in Spencer's eyes that he hadn't before. As he approached from behind Addams he caught the mans words.

"- so smart? You spent the entire time trying to make me look like an idiot. You're the same freak-show from high school. You know, there's goalposts around here too." Addams sneered, taking a step closer. Spencer had nowhere to go, but he straightened his back looked the man in the eye. Spencer's new posture stopped Derek in his tracks. That was new. That was strong.

"I'm not 12 anymore." Spencer hissed, holding his head head despite his nervous sweating or the goosebumps blossoming across his skin.

"Still look it. Didn't grow up much, did you?" Addams laughed, though the anger could be heard in his tone at Spencer's refusal to submit. 

"I'm a grown man. I have three PhD's, three BA's and I'm a profiler for the BAU. I'm part of a team of the greatest minds, we save people everyday. I'd say I've grown up plenty." Spencer's voice held a certain strength to it and it wasn't wavering anymore. He then took a step forward, causing Addams to take a step back in surprise.

"What you did to me..- Did that make you feel good? Did you enjoy stripping down a twelve year child before stringing him up to a goalpost to gawk at? Did you feel good that night sleeping in your bed while my limbs were numb from fighting the restraints? All these years later, do you still laugh when you think about the fact that over fifteen teenagers poked and prodded my ribs because I didn't have food at home?" Spencer was snarling at this point, his eyes filled with fury.

Addams released an odd snort, something between a grunt and a laugh. "You want sympathy from me? You had your life handed to you on a platter you little freak. Others have to work through school, you were basically given a free ticket to anywhere."

"You think any of this was free? You think getting beaten everyday by people twice my size isn't paying for it? You don't know anything about me or my life. You don't know what I went through to get to where I am. I've faced a lot worse than anything you or the rest of the football team did to me. I don't need anything from you, especially not your sympathy." Spencer brushed past Addams, now heading towards Derek who was still struck still in his place, barely ten feet from behind Addams.

He picked his jaw back up off the floor however when Addams swiftly turned and caught Spencer by the wrist and tugged the lithe man towards himself and hastily pinning the genius to the wall, one hand still painfully gripping Spencer's wrist and the other flat against his stomach. "What was that?" Addams growled. Spencer didn't respond, instead his eyes glazed over and he uttered one name in a pleading, fearful tone. The one name Derek wished he'd never have to hear again.

"K-Kris.." His body went slack, no fight against the hold Addams had on him. The man only looked confused by the name for a second before he was being harshly ripped away from the now distant doctor.

"You don't put your hands on him." Derek growled through gritted teeth, his eyes threatening. Addams swallowed thickly, recognizing the strength and protective flare within the larger agent. Spencer crumbled to the floor, now on his knees with he head hanging low, awaiting the punishment he was sure to be getting at the hands of his now dead abuser.

"Whoa! What the hell is going on here?" Derek heard Emily ask, shocked gasps following from the other members of their team. 

He kept his eyes on Addams as he kept him pinned firmly to the wall, away from Spencer who was mentally far away and shaking. "He physically assaulted Spencer. Pinned him against the wall, a lot like this." Derek said, his eyes piercing Addams. "You didn't get enough from beating him as a kid? Had to get one more hit in to boost that ego of yours?" Derek asked. He felt the urge to press his forearm against the mans neck and continue the pressure until he was nothing but a lifeless body being held in place by his strength. He released Addams at the thought and the small sound of Spencer sniffling. 

Hotch took over, forcefully leading Addams away to have a talk with his chief. Derek knelt by Spencer but didn't dare touch him. JJ knelt on the opposite side, though she kept more distance. Emily stood guard at the door to the room. "Spencer... Look at me, you're safe." Derek said gently, keeping his voice at a soothing tone. He was surprised to see Spencer respond so quickly, looking at him with watery but determined eyes.

"Can we go home now?" He asked, reaching for Derek who helped him stand and held him close. "I'm taking you home, Pretty boy." He promised, leading Spencer out of the station with the girls trailing behind.

* * *

Eating grilled cheese's while cuddling and watching Doctor Who isn't what Spencer expected the day to end with, but Derek insisted upon their arrival. "You were so strong during this case, Spencer." Derek said, finishing his last bite of his sandwich and pecking a kiss to Spencer's forehead. Spencer hummed around the food in his mouth and savored the warmth and safety Derek was providing in the moment. "Your beautiful mind solved the case again, despite the stress you were under because of Addams. You've grown up, Pretty boy. They can't hurt you, not ever again. I wouldn't let anyone hurt you, but you won't let them either. I'm so proud of you, my strong, beautiful, intelligent soulmate."

Spencer's cheeks turned bright pink as Derek nuzzled the top of his head with his face. "Soulmate?" Spencer asked, a sweet smile on his face. Derek nodded and kissed the irresistible curls he always wanted to lose his fingers in. 

"Mmhmm" He murmured, trailing kisses down towards the flustered mans neck. 

"I think I like the sound of that.." Spencer whispered, turning his body and head to direct Derek's lips towards his own. Neither could stop themselves from smiling into the kiss, or the one after that, or as they began running their hands over each other's bodies.

"Derek-" Spencer gasped when the older man nipped at his collarbone just exposed from where Derek was tugging the neckline of his shirt down. "What do you want, Spencer?" He asked, still kissing, licking and lightly nipping at any of the exposed pale skin he could reach.

"You." Spencer whimpered, his tone needy. Derek growled in appreciation, "You have me."

"I want more of you." Spencer then said, more seriously. Derek slowed his movements and looked him in the eyes for a moment, "How much more?"

Spencer kissed him sweet and slow before pulling away and whispering, "I want you to take me to bed, Derek."

Derek's eyes widened, "You're sure?" He asked carefully, rubbing soothing circles into Spencer's hip.

Spencer nodded, "I trust you." Derek couldn't help but grin from ear to ear before gently pulling Spencer up with him as he stood and lifted the boy swiftly, causing him to squeak and wrap his long legs around his strong boyfriends waist, trusting Derek's large arms to keep him steady. He couldn't help but giggle at being carried, "What are you doing?" He laughed when Derek began making careful movements through the living room, his hands under Spencer's shirt, feeling the soft skin of his smaller lover's back.

"I'm taking you to bed, baby." He purred into Spencer's bright red ear, the same shade as his cheeks and neck.

Spencer moaned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will certainly be adorable and low-key smutty... :3 
> 
> Peace and love,  
> Nei <3


End file.
